Share Your Story

One of the reasons I wrote Beyond Authority and Submission was because of my concerns over what’s being taught about women and men in some facets of conservative Christianity. It’s not an esoteric, academic discussion. There are real world consequences. What we believe about the nature of women and men and how we should interact has wide-reaching effects on us as individuals and in our various relationships.

I’m working on a new project, and I need your help. My plan is to write more about the practical outworkings of prevalent beliefs about women and men. I’d like to use personal stories to illustrate the effects these teachings have had on real women, men, families, and churches. That’s where you come in.

I’d like to hear your stories, and I want to give you the opportunity to be heard. I’m curious what effect these teachings about women and men have had on you as an individual, on your marriage, on your family, on your church, or on your relationships. Whatever you’d like to share.

At the bottom of this post is a contact form. Messages sent through the form are emailed directly to me and do not post to the website. I want to protect your privacy. My plan is to change names and identifying information in the stories I use.

If you’d like more information, feel free to use the contact form to ask me any questions you may have.

Parenting in the Pews

I love seeing little kids at church. As a mother of not-quite-so-little ones, the smiles, the giggles, the sights and sounds of children fills my heart with joy. But parenting in the pews can be anything but joyful at times. Nothing tests the limits of parents’ patience quite like Sundays. From getting everyone dressed and fed and out the door on time to handling disruptions during worship and off-schedule naps and meals, Sunday is a uniquely challenging day for most of us. With all the busyness and struggle, it can be easy to forget why we bring our children to church with us.

For those of us who are Presbyterians, we believe our children are part of the covenant community. We promise to raise them in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). But how do we do that practically? How do we parent in the pews?

There tends to be two extremes when it comes to discussing what to do about children in church. On one hand, there are churches that believe children don’t belong in the worship service. On the other, there are churches that believe children should never be separated from their parents for any reason (no nursery, Sunday School classes, or youth groups).

Most of us, however, fall in the middle. Our churches have nurseries for the littlest ones and age appropriate Sunday School classes, and our children are welcome in the worship service. So we have the challenge of helping them learn to worship.

There is lots of advice out there on how to get your kids to stay still/quiet/attentive in church. Some of it is helpful, some less so. It’s important to start by considering what our goals are. What are we trying to achieve?

As a parent, my number one goal for my children is that they grow up to love the Lord and be adults I’d enjoy being around. As far as church goes, I want my children to love the church and love worship. With that in mind, let’s consider some of the common concerns for parenting in the pews.

“Church is boring”

Without question, this is considered by many to be the biggest challenge for parents. How do we address the nature of church worship and our children’s response to it? There are a variety of possible answers.

Some try to make church entertaining and engaging even if it waters down the message. As we mentioned, some churches keep the children entertained in separate programs so that adults can worship without distractions. Going back to our goals and our commitments to raise our children within the covenant community, neither of these options really satisfy.

Some advice accepts the premise that church is “boring” and tells us it’s good for children to be bored on occasion. This approach has always bothered me. Yes, church isn’t “entertaining” in the same way a movie or basketball game would be. But worship isn’t boring once we understand what’s going on. Sunday worship isn’t “all fun and games, ” but it also isn’t “vegetables” or “liver and onions” that our children will eat “if they know what’s good for them!”

Along these lines are instructions on how to teach your children to sit still starting at a young age so that they can sit without fidgeting whenever you tell them to. While I agree that we do have to teach our children how to sit in church (or restaurants, doctor’s offices, school, whatever), the emphasis on outward obedience misses the point in the long run.

God calls us to worship and to rest in Him (Matthew 11:28-30) because He loves us. We go to church and worship because we love the Lord. Our obedience should never be done with a cold heart or from a sense of obligation alone. That’s not what God wants from us, and that’s not what we should want from our children.

Learning to Love Worship

Like all good things in life, we have to learn to love worship. It’s an acquired taste. And teaching our children to worship from the heart starts by example. Our attitudes about church and worship will tell our children more than anything we say to them. When we make going to church a priority for our family, they’ll notice. When we sing joyfully, they’ll hear. When we pray fervently, they’ll see. When we’re attentive, they will be too.

As we do these things, we can bring our children alongside us so that they will learn (Deuteronomy 6:7). Some of the practical ways we can do this is by encouraging them to participate in worship. We have to have age appropriate expectations though. As the saying goes, “The mind can only absorb what the seat can endure.”

When children are old enough, they can sit and stand when the congregation sits and stands. We can explain to them the various parts of the service so they understand what’s going on around them. Children can look on with the hymnal and learn to sing along. As they learn to read, they can follow along with the Scripture readings and participate with the responsive readings. And they can learn to listen to the sermon.

When my children were smaller, they carried little bags with colored pencils and small notebooks to church. During the sermon, they were allowed to color. It’s hard to sit completely still, and having something quiet to do with their hands helped them listen to what was being said. As my boys have gotten older, we’ve encouraged them to take notes during the sermon.

After church, we ask them what they remember from the service. Do they have any questions? What did they learn? What did the pastor preach about? These questions help us understand what they’re learning and reinforce that they are part of the worship service.

Discipline in the Pews

Disciplining our children during worship includes everything from gentle reminders to be still or quiet, giving “the look” or the “death whisper” (as we called it growing up), and carrying them out of the service when they have meltdown. No matter how sweet and precious our little ones are they will at one time or another throw a royal hissy fit in church. When that happens, we need to show them grace and protect their dignity as we discipline them.

What we should be careful not to do is discipline them for the benefit of those around us. It’s tempting to do. We’re embarrassed by their behavior. We don’t want other parents thinking we’re bad parents, etc., but maintaining our reputation shouldn’t be our focus. The goal is training and correcting our children, although we do want to be kind to those around us by limiting the distractions.

Going back to age appropriate expectations, there’s a difference between normal noises/wiggles and misbehavior. Babies coo and giggle. They wiggle and squirm. Older toddlers smile and wave and fidget. Children will want to ask questions or move to see what’s going on. As they get older, we can gently redirect their attention and encourage them to listen while not having unrealistic expectations.

Each child is different and will need encouragement and discipline suited to them. My oldest son was active and loud. I would have gladly kept him in church with us from the time he was newborn, but he needed space to move and be loud. Nursery was a blessing for him. My middle son hated nursery and was content and quiet as long as he sat with us. My youngest hated nursery and was active and loud. I listened to many sermons from the church’s cry room.

Encourage Each Other

Whether you’re a parent of little ones, your children are grown, or you don’t have children, you can still play an important role in parenting in the pews. No, the role isn’t giving disruptive children (or their parents) dirty looks. The role we can all fulfill is encouraging one another.

Parenting in the pews is hard work, and it’s easy to be discouraged. A smile and a kind word can go a long way. Serving in nursery or offering to walk a colicky baby are a couple of other ways you can help. We can also show  our love for each other by being patient and gracious with those around us, especially if we feel distracted. We’ve all been there, either as parents or as children ourselves.

As a parent, it helps me to remember that those interruptions aren’t keeping me from what I should be doing. They are what I should be doing right now. I’m not saying we should let our children do whatever they want and run wild during church. But helping them learn to love the Lord and love worship is what we’re supposed to do.

So, this Sunday as we get ready for worship, let’s think about how we can encourage and nurture the little ones in our churches (and their parents too). And let’s rejoice that God has filled our pews with so many blessings.

And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:2-4, NASB

Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14, NASB

Abusers in the church

I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church. – 3 John 1:9-10 ESV

In his book, A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in Your Church, Pastor Jeff Crippen gives an excellent description of an abuser’s tactics and mentality. Having studied what abusers do and how they act, Pastor Crippen realized that not only are there domestic abusers “hiding out” in churches, there are also people who use these same abusive tactics to attempt to control churches. Sometimes these are members of the congregation, and sometimes these are leaders of the church: pastors, elders, deacons.

Pastor Crippen uses the 3 John passage quoted above as an illustration of the type of person who uses the tactics and mentality of an abuser to bully his or her way around a church:

I originally planned to entitle this book In Search of Diotrephes, because abusers, like Diotrephes, so effectively disguise themselves as “sheep” and hide in the local church. If you are a faithful pastor or church member, the probability that you have met one or both characters in this evil duo is quite high. In Scripture, Diotrephes and Jezebel were both abusers. Today, they still exist within many if not most churches. Masquerading as pious saints, they set themselves up in power and expect the pastor, the elders, and the people to do their bidding, all the while ready to punish any who resist them. Diotrephes and Jezebel are bullies (263-264).

As a pastor’s daughter and a faithful church member, I can vouch for the truth of Pastor Crippen’s statement. I have seen these abusive men and women in many churches. I’ve even been on the receiving end of this type of abusive behavior myself. Pastor Crippen devotes a chapter in his book to applying what he’s learned about an abuser’s tactics and mentality to the Diotrephes type abusers in the church.

So who are these abusive people?

These are people who have caused great harm to Christ’s flock, and in particular, to Christ’s under-shepherds- pastors. Such people see themselves (as Diotrephes apparently did), as entitled to power and control over the flock, and thus regard their abusive tactics, which they use to gain and maintain power, as fully justified. This is one of the most common reasons pastors have short tenures in many churches (264).

Going back to 3 John, Pastor Crippen lays out a description of Diotrephes in the church:

  • He opposes genuine servants of Christ.
  • He undermines the real work of Christ.
  • He exercises an evil power and control over the flock of Christ.
  • He slanders Christ’s servants.
  • He works to isolate Christ’s people from genuine servants of Christ.
  • He opposes the Word of Christ, not acknowledging the Apostles.
  • He drives genuine believers out of the church.
  • He is motivated by a craving to be first. (265)

Pastor Crippen believes that Christians should not be surprised to find these “worst of the worst” in our churches. Scripture warns believers many times that there will be wolves in sheep’s clothing in the church. We should be prepared for people who seem pious but are not actually regenerate. When we recognize them, we should, as John writes in 3 John, expose them for what they are doing. (265)

What kind of tactics can Christians expect from modern Diotrephes in the church? Just as we saw with domestic abusers, there will be:

  • Blaming, false guilt.
  • Re-writing the facts.
  • Playing the victim.
  • Pitting people against one another.
  • Threatening in order to instill fear.
  • Morphing the victim’s words (and God’s Word).
  • Accusing.
  • Deceiving with a cloak of excessive charm.
  • Gathering allies.
  • Particularly targeting the pastor and other genuine believers who are active in the Lord’s work. (Sometimes Diotrephes is the pastor himself. An entirely new dynamic of abuse occurs in such a case.) (266)

A pastor who has come under the influence of a Diotrephes may very well exhibit certain signs and symptoms in his behavior:

  • A loss of personhood.
  • A mind dominated by the presence of the abuser.
  • Erosion of his ability to focus his thoughts, prayers, and energies upon his flock.
  • A loss of confidence.
  • Loss of enthusiasm.
  • A sense of isolation.
  • A burden of guilt and a sense of failure. (271-272)

That last point is one that I’ve seen a number of times. As Pastor Crippen points out, having created an unbearable atmosphere of division within a church, the abusers are “quite masterful at convincing everyone, including the pastor, that this division and unpleasantness is all his fault.” (272)

So what is a pastor or church member to do when a Diotrephes has been sowing division and abusing the church? Pastor Crippen believes that the best approach is to confront them. He highly recommends that pastors and leaders familiarize themselves with the tactics and mentality of abuse. When we know who we are dealing with, we will be better equipped to recognize them and to confront them. (273)

We should also be familiar with the weapons we have to fight against this enemy. Knowing that abusers are not harmless, we must stand against them, and we must put on the whole armor of God. (277) Pastor Crippen uses the passage from Ephesians 6 to show how we must prepare ourselves to do battle against Diotrephes:

These are not imaginary or mystical items. They are very, very real. And they are mighty! They work! In fact, the powers of hell cannot stand against them. He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4) (278).

At the end of the chapter on abusers in the church, Pastor Crippen describes four types of approaches that pastors (and others) should be aware of:

1. The Flatterer: This type of approach is used by abusers to appear pious and draw others into trusting them. Always be careful of those who lay the praise on way too thick. (280)

2. The Concerned Citizen:

Feigning a genuine concern for the cause of Christ, the abuser uses this deceptive tactic to launch what is actually a wicked, discouraging accusation. If you feel a fearful, uneasy knot “in your gut” when someone does this, recognize that you are feeling this way for a valid reason. … As soon as you feel that “pang” of fear or sense that you are talking to an unsafe person, take a deep breath and slow down. Very often your feelings will tip you off before your thoughts will! (280)

3. The Setup:

Abusive, entitled individuals often work to “set up” the pastor for criticism. … Set-up scenarios are most often launched in front of other people int he church. … The best way to respond is to not respond. By this, I don’t mean not saying anything, but rather not permitting yourself to be drawn into a question which is really an accusation (280-281).

4. The Friend: This approach may take a long time to unmask. Abusers are good at hiding their real actions and motivations. Be aware that abusers will attempt to win you to their side. (281)

Interestingly enough, when I had just finished reading this section of the book, I was contacted again by my own personal Diotrephes, a “friend” who turned out not to be. While I would never equate my experiences with those of the victims of domestic abuse, it was both encouraging and freeing to realize what was happening to me. Thanks to having read Pastor Crippen’s book, I was able to recognize her behavior for what it was and act accordingly.

Again, I highly recommend Pastor Crippen’s book, especially for pastors and leaders. Too many people have been hurt by abusers, both domestic and ecclesiastical. Too many churches have been damaged as well. I share Pastor Crippen’s hope that greater familiarity with the tactics and mentality of abuse will allow the church to protect victims and to stand up to abusers.